Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
