Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
