I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
MIDGETS
????
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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