My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
