I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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