i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's rum buckets o'clock
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
