i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize