Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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