All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize