shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
