I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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