Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
