Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
