My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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