So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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