I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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