i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
