You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
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