so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize