Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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