the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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