As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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