she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
