Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
