i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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