I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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