i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
