I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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