she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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