lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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