I wish my penis had an off switch
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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