just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
