In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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