You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
