I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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