Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
