Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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