I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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