My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
