there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
People in love make me want to vomit
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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