i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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