Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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