my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
