Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
