It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I think i got beer on your cat.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
