It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
