I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
