Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
