k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
