My nipple is on Facebook.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
