Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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