This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
