Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
