nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
