In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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