Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My vagina just recognized that song.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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