maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
