the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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